Exile S1E1

Day one.

It was my first day in the mansion. I was reminded by my memories of the first time I saw this place. But it was only on the outside. Now I’m terrified of the sudden turn of events now that I am about to live a grand life…at least for the public. Prestige in the midst of the pretense. Confidence in the midst of the confusion. I felt something in my head.

A certain nerve tightening with all the fast paced and relatively new sensory inputs. Somewhere, another nerve’s relaxing to the action of the first one, seemingly giving way to the action of the first nerve. Surely, my brain’s opening new portals as I get to be exposed to new things and I am not sure if the new faculties that are activated would be beneficial in the times to come or not. Suddenly if felt confident that I am not alone here. My mindset was established and I vowed that from now on, I shall be guided by the trinity that is in my head. This trinity, based on what mother and father taught me through the years, are nothing but the three attributes you can rely on when you feel alone in a hall full of people- people of different backgrounds and cares and worries.

I now knew that from now on, I am only gonna be listening to Self-Trust, Wishful Thinking, and the Will. They’re all in my head and I hope they wouldn’t conquer more of what they can or I’ll look silly in public. I’m thankful I was able to form this trinity in order to survive this chaos.

I grew up in a quiet town with a family that is quite normal. School has always excited me for it is the only place, that I know off, where I can express myself fully. Most of the pupils in my class don’t feel the same. But I prefer the interactive environment of my school than the quietness of my home.

What challenged my confidence, which until now is a problem already ingrained in me, is that I did not excel in my academics. I don’t see the point why everyone’s got to study science when clearly everyone is built for something unique. To each his/her own. What I liked about school, and where I excelled in, is gymnastics. I love anything that uses the entire body. I also like art and anything involving public speaking. Standing up in front of the class is a piece of cake. I like being able to shine and outshine others even if I’m a little dim when it comes to those you need to pass.

Now, my school life seems like a fraction of the reality. Here I am outshining others, seeing my face flood the news around the world. I am still the same me. Nothing’s changed. In this new life, I’m still the person with the same weaknesses. It’s just that, from now on, you are not allowed to show them. No one must know as if the weaknesses are evidences of a crime. And inside me, I know there’s something new that has never been used before that can help me. Will, Wishful Thinking and Self-Trust as one. They say three cords make a stronger rope. We’ll see about that.

Defeating immaturity

Disclaimer: it’s not going to be an inspirational type of post but personal.

This post right here is probably going to be my last in this series. No, I cannot predict the future but we all have a choice and I want it to end.

Let’s just call the guy M. After several days since we last talked, he popped a PM again. I wondered what caused that since I placed M in my filtered or ignored messages. It happened so fast that I accidentally “seen-ed” his conversation right away (I was chatting with another dude at the time so I was trigger happy). So I had no choice but to start chatting with him again (ugh).

So the conversations rolled again. I shared screen captures of a friend and I (as M requested), much to his jealousy. The next day, 5/29/2018, he came up with a trickery (I supposed). He sent screenshots of his conversation with the same guy. That’s when the drama begins.

I don’t know what I’m feeling. But I hated it. It’s wrong. It’s negative. And in all my years living young, I knew what the feeling is.

No matter how confident I can be, I go insecure whenever a guy I felt safe with fools around with another dude (or dudette). Confidence really is fluid and anyone can really be a victim of severe insecurity. I’ve experienced it many times before. I rebuilt myself many times already to point of leaving Charles Darwin challenged.

Now, we are going to end this being cold to M. Not talking often. I believe it helps since I’ve been there many times. This is the plot hole with guys who like guys. Since you’d be friends with guys who like guys too, there would be the complications of getting involved with friends. And in this scenario, I’m fond of M but my mind knows, clearly, that he isn’t the right one. For now, I’m gonna be opening my horizons to more people to communicate with and become comfortable with. Wish me luck.

The update

I hate loving you.

As promised yesterday, here’s a bit of an update about my troublesome feelings. Our story ended on feeling ‘fine’ with ‘the guy’ and by that I mean neutral. Nothing special but not bad either.

Yesterday, May 23, was a day filled with messenger messages from him. It’s so glaring to the point I’d run out of time for doing stuff I need to do. It feels like I have heightened senses- I could feel everything! Hurt enough to bring you to tears. Enjoyment friends should have. And many more leading me to think that I am at an emotional state yesterday, which is unusual.

But last night, at midnight, he blocked me as part of his social media cleanse. But guess what. Today isn’t an emotional day for me. So I thought this move is actually for the better. I could devote more time to work and not needing to reply to constant messages. I’m okay. And it’s better. I can do more things now. Sigh, how hard it is to stay friends with someone who’s always been into you from the start.

What i felt

19 May 2018. After sunset.

I got off the bus. And he was on his way to the mall. This was the night that we planned earlier in the afternoon. It was also the best spot for the both of us in order to be fair given the proximity of homes- a posh mall in Makati.

The meeting place was actually in the next mall, which is even fancier and that’s where our favorite burger restaurant is located.

We met after waiting for some time. I lost count of how many times he asked me out. Most of the time I didn’t enjoy them. But what I’m about to share are some points why this night is different…and probably the best gay night out I had so far.

Fast forward to dinner, we (or maybe just me) enjoyed political discussions over our Q-Daddy and Shroom burgers and our milkshakes. Afterwards, an hour or two in the karaoke.

Just when I thought we’re on our way home, this guy had and idea. Since Love Simon’s still showing, he insisted we go and see it. Inside my head, I honestly didn’t wanna be next to him in the cinema since I’m not gonna enjoy that but on the other hand, it’s Love Simon. I’ve heard about it and it’s my chance to see it in that mall’s cinema and that’s an experience. So I said yes.

After all the experiences, food, singing, him flirting with me while I’m not letting my guard down and the movie, all the sensory receptions, we talked about sex (again) on the way home.

On the way home, almost 1 in the morning, all the exposure got me high. I started feeling stuff I shouldn’t feel with this guy. Feelings I felt with past guys.

I now wanted to take note of this. I don’t know how I could make this even more dramatic, no matter how I wanted it to be, but I gotta remember these factors for future references.

Food.

Aroma.

Sounds.

Stories.

Visual images (i.e. movies)

 

They seem to be foundations for strengthening bonds.

The most important part is, the aftershocks.

We continued chatting that night and the next morning, given that it’s still my day off and I’m at home. I couldn’t last without checking back for new messages. And every time I do, I feel tingly inside.

Shit.

I know it’s childish, beautiful, out of character for me. But it’s the  t r u t h .

The way we chat became different. Now, I wanted to be kind to him for being kind to me that night. He spent 2 grands (PHP, don’t worry) in one night and that’s serious. I can’t believe I’m worth a grand to be taken out on a place like that. I was about to block him, but I didn’t. I chatted and argued less with him. But it was different the fact that being kind to the guy is the best thing that I can do. And today, I am not feeling the thrill as I did when I wasn’t doing anything last weekend. It’s a good news I had a chance to take my mind off of it for I am not planning to be taken by a lover any time soon. And to add to the already blazing confusion, I told my old best friend about it (whom I also fell for maybe about 5 years ago). Now, whenever they’re popping with a new message, I get the tingles.

To summarize, I am all over the place with the feelings. Half meh and half yay, if that makes sense. But I like going objective if I can’t be subjective. I would have written a longer post if I’m still feeling the troublesome feelings but if I get an update from within me, I’ll let you know here.

A comeback

Disclaimer: This is probably gonna be my shortest post so far.

Jedidiah’s back after the hiatus. I know my writings here reached only a few people and some of them probably are just auto-likes but nonetheless, writing here is healthy for me and I’m back with experimenting with reactions from readers (if I had one).

I’d love to know if my words could touch souls just as Frank does. Or make a difference with people’s disposition for the day. Or help them hatch ideas. I’d like to turn this blog into an incubator once again.

Lastly, I hope WordPress would be pivotal to Jedidiah’s return. It’s 2018 and written blogs aren’t the rage anymore according to my observation. I’m planning to start my Tumblr that has been open since 2011, I guess. I’ve been liking content, though, mostly stunning photos of men. You’d probably stumble upon that blog if you’re like me- the type who fills his history with blogs, Pinterest or Quora.

See you on the flip flop.

Hey. Want a good movie for now? I know I’m a bandwagon for doing this. But. Whatever. Here. Take it. (‘Cause it’s good!)

SS 8 8/1/2016
-We all yearn a utopian society in the future where ALL people will be free from prejudice. All humans wish that the world would be less judgmental and more rational. It’s our duty to turn the world into one that we all dreamed to live in and to defeat all the hindrances to our common aspiration. A world is coming, where women would not be judged for their life choices and where gay men can express love without disdain from other men. That world is sure to come if we channel our desires for it into ways and methods that are certain to bring that world to life and crush today’s foolishness. If you are feeling this, don’t worry. You are not alone. I also feel this way. The feeling that you want to be open and nobody’s judging you. That would really feel like home. And together, we are gonna do our best to bring that into existence.
-It seems that the Song of Songs/Solomon is meant to be a lesson for the young city women so they don’t end up victimized after falling in love. It might be wise guide for girls to not experience a tragic mistake in commitments.
-By mentioning the phrase “never awaken love before it is ready” (in CEV), it might signify that the song was about a tragic story of a woman learning a lesson after a tragic romance. The lesson may also be about being careful with commitments. If it’s not yet ready, don’t force it. Even if the woman in the song seems to be singing of a bright situation, we may never know but she might be singing this after lost, colorful love story.
-Lustful encounters were given lightness in this chapter. Let’s just say that a straight man would get a boner while looking at a naked woman. It’s a natural mechanism. It only goes to show that this has a connection to what has been designated In The Beginning – that man must reproduce for the earth. We are naturally wired to reproduce so that means, we are naturally lustful.
-Given the fact that we are meant to be lustful, it does not permits us to venture in to prostitution or even just to support it with positive opinions. Our job is to maintain a utopia-like society. We should not venture into something where Death creeps. Immoral and illegal use of sex may cause you to contract many illnesses or even make you turn into abortion, which is another thing that we shouldn’t agree on as citizens of a decent society. These are things of death and as citizens of life, we should not support any form of aggravating death.
-Solomon seemed to have been bashed by this chapter. It seems that he was criticized for being lustful enough to buy love from women. A woman who learned something important would declined such indecent proposal.
-A tip for parents, especially fathers, do not turn your daughters into ascetic beings. As part of the generation who strives for the sake of a coming utopian world, we do not want for the young women of the new generation to believe in some sort of a fairy tale where every idealistic things and fear of being judged are incorporated into their young, potential minds. Give them freedom. Just send them guidance in all of their journeys.

SS 5 7/29/2016
-To love someone means possessing someone, though it is not a requirement to be possessive. You gain the rights to the body of that certain someone once love is confirmed. No one has the right to tell you what to do with someone you love and neither can they tell you what not to do with him or her.
-As God has intended us to learn from the book of Ecclesiastes, we are meant to enjoy things that the earth has to offer. We can experience summer and winter as well as eat lemons and fatty meats. There are extreme things in the world waiting to be tasted and it all depends on your choices among a really wide variety of options.
-There is no drawback (that isn’t worth it) in having too much love. A human ought and yearns to be filled with love for the rest of his or her life. If there are downsides, there are no regrets.
-This chapter also documents a vision that perfectly depicts the sack of Jerusalem and the exile. God is waiting for his people to come to him, even if most of them don’t. But by the time he left, that was the time when humanity realized they needed him the most. When the people of God lost contact with him, they were then taken advantage of when their nation was passed around by imperial powers. This was the best time for them to consider a rebirth with their spirituality.
-If we have already bathed ourselves, it feels so against the rules to do something that is sure to make us dirty again. You’ll think, “I’m not gonna do it anymore. I’ve already cleaned myself. What’s the point of cleaning myself when I’m gonna get dirty again?” But haven’t you thought about that you’ll also once again bathe yourself? You may get dirty as you can be. You are gonna get cleaned up anyway. When we’re uptight, we forget that there is a cycle. We are not living here for the rules. The rules are there to explain the cycle, or the circle of life. So we can understand it better. We start off as a seed. Clean as we can be. Then we grow into a fruitless plant. We become dirty and unwanted but they haven’t checked the time ’cause they’re so busy looking at the rules. What they missed out is that, time is the element in this development and that patience is all we need. For every cycle, the process is regulated by time. TIME will come, when the plant grows into a sturdy, little tree and starts bearing countless fruits. That’s when we get washed and turn from a dirty being into a clean being once again. Remember the cycle, the circle of life, and not too much on the rules. Rules are created to give us a better view on how things are in order. But does not develop it. Time does.
-This is the first instance in the bible where God (supposing the male character in the book is him) is praised as a human with masculine attributes. It is an allegorical presentation of praise. Whether it is about God or not about God, this woman speaking is expressing the appreciation to a man figure. The same theme is seen in the book of Revelations where Jesus was described as anthropomorphic with golden body parts, mimicking the verse 11 of the chapter.
-Israel and the church (the faithful abrahamics) were asked. Why was “the one they love” more special than others? Why did they consider their God to be better than the rest of the gods? This is been an ancient question among the neighboring, polytheistic nations in the ancient Near East.
SS 6 7/30/2016
-One particular line in this chapter seems to depict that the man, divinely going away, is pleasuring himself while alone. It seems like it’s not an issue if a man masturbates even if he already has a woman he can fuck. Sometimes, a man needs some alone time to think and to experience the self satisfaction again. It’s not so bad to revisit our youth.
SS 7 7/31/2016
-This chapter was filled with lust and desire and that it teaches us that it is perfectly fine to be adventurous in our sexual youth. It won’t be there forever so do not regret it by choosing to cling on to religiosity. It also mentions of certain substances (such as the mandrake) in an oddly positive way.

SS 3 7/27/2016
-While it is natural for everyone to look for love, being not a flirt is a good, modern human quality. Everyone gets turned off with flirts because such people can ruin relationships. It’s understandable that everyone needs love and romance. But remember that farmers wait for the time when grains ripen before harvesting and treasuring the reap. We living creatures wait for the fruits to ripen before picking them all. That principle comes in very handy when it comes to love. Our natural need dictates that we must not waste enough time to let the bird get away from your bait. We must also not rush things. Things get ready at the right moment. We are here to wait for that moment. And once the moment takes place, you don’t need to do anything but to grab that opportunity. That’s the most rewarding of all.
SS 4 7/28/2016
-The man talks about the body of the woman he chose to marry as if it was wonderland, in an erotic way. If the bride’s body is simply a sybolism of Israel (in the Jewish tradition) or the Church (in the Christian tradition), then it’s safe to assume that everything in the world is beautiful. Israel, and the Church, belongs to the earth and the way the man delivered his lines denote that there are many things in earth that can be appreciated.
-“We will say goodbye to the peaks of Mount Amana, Senir, and Hermon, where lions and leopards live in caves.” Again, if this were symbolisms of Israel or the Church, that means humanity has always needed an escape from their exile, or a rescue perhaps. They have envisioned the time that is to come when there will be unity, peace and harmony among humanity as the Messiah rules over us. There will be deliverance. The thing is, traditional Jews and Christians would interpret this book in an allegorical way since, most likely, they are simply defending the book from its allegations that it is an erotica but we have no other choice but to accept it because it has already been canonized into the Bible.
-The woman’s (or bride’s) tongue was mentioned to be the place where milk and honey flows. Milk and honey have been symbols of prosperity in the Biblical language. Milk and honey, figuratively, can flow from a human’s tongue, or speaking ability. We can speak of blessings in the same manner that we can speak of curses. Humanity, as God’s medium for the message of love, has the simple power of communicating all over the world messages of love. And the whole world, inspired by God, can make itself prosper equally and at the same rate if we all speak of loving blessings rather than unforgiving curses. That is how God sees the woman who is humanity. We can change our world with our words.
-In this chapter, the part where many spices were mentioned must have been about the wealth of the world. In this planet, valuable materials are found somewhere, and that may even be the cause why there are people who have become addicted to power. Valuable materials on earth is meant to be appreciated by everybody because all humans are made to be appreciated of certain things. This part of the writings showcase the fact that the earth is rich with treasures…but does everyone take part in it?
-At the same time, our world may also be the source of purity. We are spicy and bland at the same time. We are wild and at peace on certain ocassions. Humanity, in the proposed viewpoint of God, has the potential to become a pure, innocent entity. United as one, we can live a lifetime without violence and cruelty. From spices to fresh, pure water, we, humanity, is still something God appreciates. That is why we all ought to be appreciative of what we have in THIS WORLD.
-When the woman mentioned the directions of the wind and the aroma spreading, it may have been a symbolism of the good news. The Messianic movement happened to be enthusiastic about teaching absolutely EVERYONE about the proposed kingdom of God. A kingdom of love and prosperity and oneness. They spread their message in ALL DIRECTIONS. This means wherever the wind blows. And wherever the wind takes them, the message had a considerable reach. It’s the same way as spreading a sweet fragrance. Wherever the wind takes it, there are people or individuals who will like the scent of it.

SS 1 7/25/2016
-Being open minded when it comes to attraction: We should all believe that attractions among sexes are natural and should be upheld rather than frowned upon. It is okay to have multiple crushes as long as you remain faithful or without having sex with the others. It’s okay to have multiple people who have a crush on you around. They can be useful. As long as one does not use sex in an unfair way or gain, then everything else should be alright.
-One can know the right techniques by observing the ways of clean, innocent people. You know the ones who are of quality and those who are not. You know the people who reveres the conscience and thinks first before acting. Observing what they do and how they do things effectively can help a lot. As humanity we learn things by applying what we have observed from good examples. Just be careful not to take the advice of people who are immoral and dumb, doomed to be a failure in life.
SS 2 7/26/2016
-We all need love (in the sense of attraction and togetherness) because it is what rejuvinates us. No social being survives life without this precious and strong binding force. We need the feeling of love and unity to keep us resilient.
-An arousal is something sensitive, both literally and figuratively. Being careful when it comes to arousal comes in handy because if you try to imagine this, making people aroused changes everything. That’s when teen pregnancy starts. That’s where an orgasm originates which later makes a person clingy to you. We are not called to avoid arousing people. There is no need to prevent it. We just need to be careful of our instruments. You wouldn’t use a flute to play the violin, would you? The instrument of arousal needs care just as instruments of music need care. We have to keep in mind that an arousal is something we should be wary about because it can change someone’s early life – it can even bring a being into existence at such an early time. It is not our fault. It’s our nature. Just like Merril Bainbridge’s song goes, “Would it be my fault if I can turn you on. Would I be so bad, if I can turn you on”. People of religiosity! There’s a reason why the Song of Songs were published and canonized! It’s there to include sexuality in our normal human lives. These pages and scrolls exist as they are to tell us that talking about sexuality is normal. As a matter of fact, expressing sexuality and discussing it maturely helps! The little book, just like most erotica ever published, provides guidance throughout our sexuality aspects in this earthly life time.
-Concerning elopement, almost all families would not like to tolerate such rebellious act. All relationships must come with consent and permission of both families. The primary reason why elopement happens is a bad family background. If the family isn’t open, chances are, elopements would seem like the best option to choose. Running away from someone can be such a bold experience. It could be adventurous. But it could also be tragic. Families, especially parents, first timer parents, and parents-to-be, place extra care on your kids and put more attention to their growing sexual awareness. It should be honed. If you don’t want them to runaway to do something rebellious, then don’t put them in a cage. Kids, who are daring when it comes to their sexual and romantic lives, elopement’s a serious thing. It’s not gonna be a willy nilly thing. You’ll have to stand up for your decisions.
-Love appears in many forms. Whether it is sexual or physical, romantic or emotional, humanly or brotherly, or love for a thing, we cannot deny that there is love in those things. Just like water. In the planet Earth, H20 can be found in almost anything. It’s in the air. It’s commonly found in liquid form. And H20 can also become solid. In the same manner, love appears in many forms. There is love in sexuality. There is love in romance. There is love in brotherhood. And of course, love can be found in certain things we happen to be passionate about. This love element remains pure wherever it may be found. And this element comes from above, flowing from God’s throne – from his own heart. He engineered it. Simple, yet so complex when we try to find out the meaning. It’s like a DNA, which was also God’s engineering. It stretches beyond the solar system and yet, it is contained in one, simple, summary. Love can be expounded to many topics, millions, probably. But one simple word, love, defines it and it enough to make us understand and feel.
-The gentleness found in romance is one of the many languages of love. We all know that love has a tongue for fellatio or cunnilingus in the same manner that it has a tongue for expression. Its tongue is used for fooling around as it is also being used for the language of unity and revolution. Promises are exchanged, commitments of kindness are uttered. Purity is the appearance of love. It triggers sensitivity. Light and love intertwine and that is just the best thing that can happen.

Ecc 11 7/23/2016
-Fear hinders us from getting the success we’ve all been wanting. Hesitation is a vice and it’s the dreadful culprit. Even if you fear vulnerability, we must set aside the said state of mind and aim for the fulfillment of your passions. Amidst all the hesitations, brush it off and start by faking it. Practice breathing exercises and once you’ve corrected your system, go out there and fly away.
-“No one can explain what makes the wind blow or how a baby grows inside its mother.” Science can. But science probably came later. And knowing about this precious thing is knowing the power of God at work.
-Everyday, let us be people who spend the whole day excerting our efforts and investing our energies and good intentions to productive things. Whether you’re sure that it can be the fulfillment of your dreams or not, take the chance to place a bet. You’ll never know what’s in store for you. And one must love surprises. Every time a surprise comes up, one must be eager to take the risk to look into it. You’ll never know it might be a dream come true.
-As humans, faithful or not, we all have the God-forsaken right to enjoy each day of our temporal lives. We are not brought into existence to be ascetic (unless it’s gonna benefit others). We are here to enjoy every bounty because our time is limited and we’ll regret not doing the things we liked to do once we’re old and unable. Damn, this is like an interpretation of Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours”.
-Whatever we do, whether pleasurable or not pleasurable for the sake of living our lives that way it should be, we bear in mind that God will preview every thing in our lives as we get set up for our own time of Judgment. He’ll weigh everything so still, even if we’re enjoying our lives, remember to listen to our conscience and to remember our purpose.
-To know pleasure, is to rid ourselves of worry. Whether this could be a Bob Marley song interpretation or not, it speaks of general truth. Whether it’s an Epicurean wisdom or not, we all ought to live lives in a worry-free way. Let’s live our lives while still young!
Ecc 12 7/24/2016
-The book of Ecclesiastes has a written theme that is very similar to that of the Gospels and the Epistles that came later. It must be due to the fact that this book was published in the Classical era and that the Christian scriptures were using a writing style that draws heavy influence from the literature of the time of the Ecclesiastes.
-We are all spirits that aren’t meant to last forever on this earth. So leave a lasting legacy and just remember God, to whom we are coming back to one day. His loving teachings speak about love, which binds all the things in the universe together. This book was the collection of the sayings that the Preacher has already studied and tried to explain. But all of these sum up to keeping God in our minds.